Similarly, the “helicopter mom” may be so intrusive and over-reactive to the child’s emotional experiences that the child learns never to communicate those experiences in the parent’s presence.
In this case, rather than the parent regulating the child’s anxiety, the child is regulating the parent’s anxiety.
By extension, the avoidant person has many attractive qualities and the more challenging aspects of this personality may not be obvious until a closer relationship begins to form.
The parents of children who become avoidant or dismissing of intimacy tend to reject the children’s neediness or perceived weaknesses.
They may even use shame as a means of control (“little boys don’t cry!
Based on population data, about 17% have "dismissing attachment styles." But, another 15% (which I will cover next month) have "fearful" attachment styles.
People with fearful attachment are "fearful" of intimacy and are avoidant.
What you can do to change the pattern If you are the avoidant person, you are unlikely to think that you have a problem.
You may, however, come to this conclusion indirectly after having problems at work, losing a relationship, or being dragged to counseling by your partner.Nevertheless, such people are not likely to share their personal struggles with others and may feel socially isolated.Because the avoidant person has learned to ignore and deny his own negative emotions, it will also be very difficult for him to recognize emotional cues in others or have much in the way of empathy.Fearing intimacy and avoiding closeness in relationships is the norm for about 17% of adults in Western cultures.As many readers understand, it can be crazy-making and even infuriating to feel dismissed and shut down when you try to get close to someone you love. You might be mystified by accusations that you don’t care and are not there for your loved ones…when you feel that you do care for them and love them greatly.To summarize, when neediness or negative emotional displays (e.g., being sad and crying or expressing anger toward the parent) are met consistently with parental intolerance, rejection, or punishment, children learn to avoid asking parents for attention, comfort, and support.